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power rankings: best clubs to never play the game

We feel like we can say this with confidence: welcome to the ultimate, unrivaled, unbeatable ranking for fake soccer clubs!

Yes, for real. We’re actually doing this. The poor college kid behind smallworld soccer sat down and wrote this post in the time that he should have been using to complete his homework.

This power rankings post is entirely devoted to soccer clubs that are active in the lower-league American soccer community, but are not actually involved in a lower league. Nearly all of them don’t even exist, as a matter of fact. But don’t tell them that.

The fact is that there are plenty of quality fake soccer clubs out there, and they’re more deserving of your attention than you might realize. In the spirit of weirdness that pervades smallworld, we wanted to make sure they were given the media coverage they deserve, so here’s a ranking of all the fake clubs I could find.

20. Sporting Santaquin – a little confusing, but apparently the club has folded. times are tough for clubs these days, but we at smallworld didn’t realize COVID-19 has affected non-existing clubs as well. the more you know!

19. Stansbury Park Rangers – not stanning a club called Stansbury feels like a missed opportunity. then again, so does having a below-average logo in a league (Dairy Cup) where there are so many pretty ones. also, they’ve been inactive since march, so just not much to get excited about here.

18. Uintah Highlanders – smallworld is lowkey salty about Highlanders. first off, their bio says “completely real football club” and that’s a lie. smallworld does not condone lies. and that’s true. also, Uintah teased a FM20 sim of the Dairy Cup months ago and never followed through. this clearly means Uintah is a house of lies. and yes, that’s a lie. confused yet?

17. Cache Valley Vaca Juniors – this brilliant pun in their name has earned them a bit of a higher ranking than they’d get otherwise. they don’t exactly have much of a twitter presence, having only one tweet on their timeline. not the cream of the Dairy Cup crop, but that name though.

16. Temple Square SC – they’re God’s chosen club. said so themselves.

15. FC Promontory Point – they have trains! on the twitter background, on the badge, on the shirt… they like trains over there. they’re not super active on socials, perhaps right on par with Dairy Cup average. also the hashtag #drivethespike is pretty dope.

14. Eastside Elitists FC – on the one hand, they’re the winningest club in Utah history. they also have merch for sale and have put some effort into engagement in the past. branding and recent activity are below par, though.

13. Copper United FC – wow, what a pretty badge they have. to go with that badge, they claim to be the only club in the south valley that matters. guess we should take their word for it? but no posts at all on twitter, though, which is sad.

12. Inter Beaver SC – sweet glory that was a lot of attention on their kit release a few months back. pretty deserved as well! outside of the jersey, they say they have the #1 water in utah. not sure if that’s actually a compliment in a pretty dry state, but good for them.

11. Saratoga Springs FC – they’re not salty like the others, in their own words, so hopefully they won’t be salty with 14th place. they’re nice and active on the socials, and their badge looks great. not sure how i feel about the kit, though.

10. Studdersfield Sharks – the sole representative of the Evo-Brick Premier League in this list, the Sharks have some clean graphics and make it easy to follow their progress during the year. for those who don’t know, they’re a brick football team: a lego club complete with a stadium, players, supporters, and more. a very cool club to be sure!

9. Hippo FC – they’re incredibly confusing, but at least they’ve got some amusing and clever content. top prize has to go to the retweet of an assisted living facility playing human hungry hungry hippos with wheelchairs. gotta love the brand loyalty.

8. Traverse Mountain FC – ambitious bunch, these lads. plans for a stadium, a clean jersey and badge combo, and “currently building our club with venture capital investment money.” also very proud of their derby with Hippo FC, which always helps a club’s culture.

7. FC Belvidere Oasis – listen, we love their connection to forward madison and the humble roots of their namesake shopping center makes for a fantastic underdog story. problem is, we challenged them to a game of connect four back when that was all the rage and they left us hanging. so we’re obligated by grudge to hate them at least a little.

6. Moab Athletic – this club literally has more of a POV and more culture than many that are actually existing. it’s centered around a love of jeeps, and that’s reflected in their motto, “you’ll never jeep alone”, their crest, which boasts a jeep silhouette, and their frequent phrase, “til we get stuck!” their kit is fantastic and tops off a very nice club profile that’s unlucky to miss out on the top 5.

5. Inter Locking FC – another brick football club, Inter Locking is a fantastic name that’s true to the team’s origins. they play in the Buildersliga 4 and they have a track record of being competitive for promotion every year. they’ve got some great engagement on Twitter, including live match updates and even a website with a fixture list! professional stuff from them.

4. Rainbow Unicorns – so this is an actual team that plays actual soccer. but it’s kind of a joke that they even have a brand and exist on socials, so we figured we’d throw them in. they rep the 615 in my current hometown of nashville, so we instantly love them for that. but they’ve also got a very unique color scheme and a bold look on their kits. cool vibe to the squad as well, very active in the NSH soccer scene. great club all-around.

3. Saltair FC – no fake club can boast more twitter clout than Saltair, as their cry of “SUPPORT FAKE SOCCER” beams proudly from their bio. their kit is classy and simple, their badge is more of the same, and they’re no stranger to popularity. they had a BBC feature written on them, an Urban Pitch interview, and more media interest. obviously, getting ranked in the top three on a smallworld soccer post tops all that, but my point stands. they’re making a real splash, if you will, on a global level. also there’s pizzagiving. because why not.

2. FC Brickstand – it’s safe to say that FC Brickstand are the model example for the world of brick football to follow. they’re the pride of Brickston, the local town they represent, and many are tipping them as title contenders this season in the Buildersliga 4, though it’s still early days yet. they’re active on social media, providing match updates, graphics, and even commentary in support of other brick football clubs such as Studdersfield and Inter Locking. they’re a world-class organization and lots of fun to follow! you can be a part of the club by buying merch or even having your lego look-alike attend matches at Brick Lane, all on their snazzy website. well-deserved spot in the top two.

1.Gray’s Lake FC – they’re mythical. they’re magical. they’re majestic. Gray’s Lake is the type of club that fake soccer doesn’t deserve, and that point might well be proven soon. the club appears to have hinted at a real existence in the future, one that will include fan ownership. either way, they’ve earned the support of thousands through their quality branding, the friendly yet intense monster on their crest, and a great reputation for connecting with said supporters on social media. their story is an endearing one of determination and the payoff of random adventures into a lake (because I guess that’s what you do for a good time in the midwest), and it claims a history dating back to over a century ago. on top of that, their SKADI Soccer-designed kit is a beauty and deservedly featured in multiple American soccer kit compilations. also, while the world was signing Messi, the Monsters obtained the services of a quality right back… they’ll be one to watch on the real-life pitch if they keep up the care and attention to detail they’ve put in thus far.

So Gray’s Lake are the best lower-league club to never exist. What a title they’ve earned, and what a deserving club to earn it! Make sure you show them plenty of love, and of course, make your own thoughts known on who should have been ranked #1.

As always, stay weird and support local soccer (even if it’s fake)!

Blessings,

Danny

By danny kotula

danny kotula is an aspiring sports writer and play-by-play commentator. unfortunately, he is not good at either one. his interests include watching soccer and listening to obscure music genres, and those aren’t even his most boring ones. he was born in Tacoma, Washington but has called South Carolina, North Carolina, Georgia, Texas, California, Georgia, and Costa Rica home over the course of his life. he generally knows where to put a comma, which is by far his most redeeming quality. he is writing this in third person as if he were famous enough for someone to write him a biography, but don’t be fooled. he’s not famous.

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